A Volley from the Canon, Number 109, Negative Feedback

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 109

HOW TO OFFER NEGATIVE FEEDBACK, WITHOUT SETTING OFF A WORLD WAR

No guarantees on the World War, frankly. People vary in their sensitivity, and some people are poised to blow sky-high at the slightest whiff of criticism. But there are times when someone says or does something that is hurtful to us, and it is going to harm our relationship if we let that fester. Worse, If they don’t know of their fault (and we may not be talking about the most intuitive sort of person here), how could they reform their behavior? Why would they avoid doing it again?

Now, for starters, we are considering here someone with whom we do have a need to continue to have a relationship, preferably a good one. It may be a family member or friend. If it is someone we’ll never see again, then we might not choose to bother, unless we have the altruistic purpose of wanting to help spare some other person a similar hurt. However, another factor to consider might be whether the other person has any hopes of continuing to have a decent relationship with US! If not, then we’ll at least find that out in this little experiment.

PINCH OR CRUNCH

One slight may not seem all that bad, on the face of it. In fact, we might feel awkward bringing it up, as if we are being too picky. If we don’t, though, and the word or deed is repeated or accelerated, that could lead to a real altercation later, with lasting negative consequences, perhaps drawing in the allied forces of both sides. It is better to deal with an affront when it is smaller and singular, and before it has had a chance to grow in significance within us over time and further damage the relationship. We can deal better with the PINCH (a small and isolated incident) before it becomes a CRUNCH (a serious matter, or a cluster of pinches).

When people share the terminology, it is relatively easy to say, at an appropriate time, “Hildegarde, may I speak with you about a pinch I have with you?” Even if Hiildegarde has not read this Volley, she’ll probably get the message easily enough. Hildegarde now knows two things: 1) You are displeased with something that she has done, and 2) it isn’t a huge deal. She may have an idea what it might be, but in any case, she will not be able to resist knowing for sure, and her castle drawbridge has no reason to be raised. She will HAVE to hear you out.

(Caution: if what you have is really a crunch, not a pinch, don’t down-play it.)

Now come the two all-important formulaic elements of the process:

1) State clearly and specifically what happened, and when. By all means, avoid generalities, especially “you always…” or “you never….” Those are incendiary devices not to be deployed here. For example, “Last Sunday, when you thanked all the people who helped with the church dinner, you didn’t even mention me or my famous ham loaf.” We are talking about one incident, not recorded history.

2) Then state precisely what emotion, not what thought, the experience evoked in you. Not, for example, “I felt you must not like me.” That’s a thought disguised in a feeling phrase. “I felt hurt at being overlooked,” would be much more accurate. If you need help, Google “feeling words.”

At this point, be quiet and listen. Hildegard will need to respond. Since you have not charged her with chronic or malicious behavior, the chances of her being able to rise above defensiveness or reactive anger herself are greatly improved. The opportunity exists for the air to be cleared between you, for some sincere and humble communication to take place, and for reconciliation to occur. At the very least, the two of you now have a greater understanding of one another and, it is to be hoped, a greater respect. I’m sure, at the very least, YOU respect yourself more!

Contrast this process with what we usually do—complain about Hildegard’s rude and inconsiderate behavior to all of our friends behind her back—and it’s easy to see how this more direct, yet measured approach holds the possibility of better results. More than that, though, it offers another benefit that may be even more important: it builds integrity, both ours and the other person’s.