Monday, July 25, 2011

From The Dayspring, Fall 2011: "Don't Give"

Don’t Give!

Of course, I don’t’ really mean ‘don’t give.’ I mean, ‘Don’t give--MUCH!’ It’s your money. You earned it, out of your own skill, your own time, your own strength, and your own effort. No one helped you. No one gave you anything . You are a self-made person, and you did it all by yourself. When did any door open for you that you did not bust open for yourself? Don’t ever let anyone chip away at that assurance, and get you to thinking that you actually got a leg up somehow, by the family or even country you were born into, or the help and attention, or opportunities, your family, teachers, or others gave you, or any God-given gifts, skills, or even personality traits you may have been blessed with. You’re you! You earned it! Take the credit!

You will give something, because you are a member of the church. Just in case. If there is a hell, well, the company there might be more fun, but if the church folks are right about it, the climate is not so great, and the work conditions are not exactly white-collar—so, on the whole, if there is a heaven, you might as well go, if you can’t live forever. You are aware that you’ve never seen a hearse towing a U-haul trailer. At least they won’t be shaking you down for money in heaven—not that there would be anything fun to spend it on!

But DON’T hand in a pledge card. Who knows what catastrophe may strike during the coming year, or what neat new thing you might want to spend your money on? There’s probably a wall-sized LED TV in production somewhere, and you know you gotta have it. Also, you’d have to give, then, every week or month, not just when you actually attend church.

No, you want to contribute only when you are present to place your gift in the offering, and others can see you do it. Here’s what I recommend: look in your purse or wallet, and see what is the smallest denomination bill you have in there. If it is a dollar, you could give two and look extra generous. But be sure to fold them several times so that the numbers don’t show. A five is about right for a single-bill donation. Never, under any circumstances, go to church with only a bill larger than twenty alone in your wallet. Even the twenty is for desperate circumstances. You know you are not going to put that fifty in, so then you’d be unable to place anything into the offering plate at all, if it’s all you have, and someone would be bound to see that. The change in your pocket is fine, though, as long as there is an envelope in the pew you can place it in, to cut down on that comical and embarrassing clatter in the plate--although they must be expecting change, because they have that velvet pad in the bottom of the basin. (And in the above instance, when you just don’t have any cash appropriate for a church offering, just hand in the empty offering envelope—without your name on it, of course.)

If you can swing it (like if you listened to announcements or read the newsletter at the right time to know when the Pledge Sunday would be), stay home that day. Otherwise, you might panic or succumb to guilt and pressure, and hand in a card. That would result in lasting grief for you.

In fact, don’t go to any stewardship programs or meetings. They are just not worth the free food. (See how clever these people are, how manipulative? They know all our weaknesses and they exploit them shamelessly.) You know they’re going to talk about money—your money. It will be cheaper for you, seriously, to buy your own lunch.

If you do accidentally get exposed to some teaching on Stewardship, don’t let them get you to begin to think of Stewardship in terms of other areas of life beyond just money. It’s a process of contagion and indoctrination, just a technique for tricking you into thinking that money is just another aspect of life, and that God is somehow involved in that.

Or, alternatively (and this will work almost as well), if they are talking about all that other life stuff, don’t let anyone bring money into the circle—if you can keep the focus on health, time, gifts, environment, not money, you can save thousands.

In the area of health—you’re doing the best you can. It’s mostly genetic anyway. You take your prescriptions. You watch your weight, so you can fit into your skinny jeans. (And you know fat people don’t get promoted.) So you’re taking care of yourself.

Time—what time? You don’t have any to spare. You hardly have time for a round of golf or a day of shopping, and you certainly don’t have time for any kind of activity that might be called “ministry.”

Talents, gifts—that’s an easy one, you don’t have any. Oh, sure, you have education, you have knowledge, you have skills. But those are yours, not God’s. Don’t let that camel stick its nose under your tent flap!

Concerning the environment—you don’t litter. What more can anyone expect? It isn’t as if you have any control over anything. How could anyone reasonably expect you to involve yourself in any ecological advocacy that could possibly reduce the value of your stock portfolio, even temporarily! Sure, it’s ironic, if you think about it, that one can take total credit for every aspect of one’s own success—none for God--and yet take no responsibility at all for the impact on the earth, of the economy that produced that success—lay it all on God—but don’t think about that. That sort of thinking is for wishy-washy, mamby-pamby, milque-toast people. You know that human activity cannot affect God’s creation: that is a theological principle, a matter of religious faith! And you are a religious person. Be strong!

So don’t put up with any talk about stewardship at any time of year other than the annual pledge drive, when it is a hard-to-avoid annoyance. You know it’s all about pledging, anyway, and if they spread it out, you may have difficulty avoiding the subject, or preventing “topic creep,” the expansion of the subject of stewardship beyond money and into other unrelated areas of life, which can be awkward.

Now this is very important: Don’t look at your own giving history. It’s depressing, if you are susceptible to that sort of navel-gazing. The only reason you would need to know your total giving would be to deduct it from your income taxes, but if you follow the rest of my suggestions carefully, you won’t give enough to make any significant difference anyway, so that is not really important to you.

Above all, don’t figure the amount of your giving as a percentage of your income. That is one of their sneaky traps to make us feel guilty. Guilt is bad for you! It is stressful and unhealthy. The shock, if you are in a vulnerable moment, could put you in the hospital. It could be dangerous to your health, and hospitalization would certainly be dangerous to your pocket-book.

When you let someone, or even yourself, lay guilt on you, you get to a point where the only cure would be, a) to stop doing what is making you feel guilty, and b) ask God or the person you wronged to forgive you. Since you have no intention to stop looking out for number one, and you’re much too proud and self-sufficient to seek forgiveness, by all means avoid feeling guilt at all times, even if it keeps you away from church and Sunday School for months at a time.

Thinking about giving in terms of percentage is fraught with other, more practical dangers. Keep it at the fund-raising level. Demand to know exactly what is the minimum amount the church needs to keep the lights on and the doors open—no raises, no extra staff, no frills! Fix the furnace when it breaks. Patch the roof when it leaks, not before. People who work for the church want to live simply and make sacrifices, so it is only charitable on your part to help them do it.

Remember—if everyone did give proportionally, particularly if everyone tithed, your congregation would have a brand new and unheard of problem: what to do with a large sum of excess money. You know they would only give it away! Most likely to poor people who might not even deserve the help. After all, didn’t Jesus always check whether people deserved to be healed or fed before he helped them? -- Well, even if he didn’t, that’s Jesus, not you. What does his response have to do with yours? You’re only human—he’s…whatever. And don’t ask him about that! That could just start up a conversation you don’t want to get into. Best not to bring it up.

Or, with all that money, they would spend some of it on useless items like formation programs, children’s and youth activities, care and activities for the elderly, that sort of thing—projects that either aren’t needed or that ought to pay their own way. When (and if) you ever have a few extra bucks to waste, like from a huge inheritance, or when your accountant recommends it to reduce your taxes, make sure you buy some piece of obscure liturgical paraphernalia that won’t get used much, so it will last a long time. Centuries, even. And be sure you get your name engraved on it. Don’t waste such an opportunity for earthly immortality.

Now, this is even above “above all:” Don’t pray about your own stewardship. Better yet, to be safe, don’t pray at all, unless you need to ask for something. What if God answers that prayer with questions of his own-- and challenges? If you don’t want to hear the answer to a question, don’t ask the question. Even with God. Especially with God.

Don’t ever forget that the practice of giving generously would change you! In ways you can hardly now imagine! Do you really want that? They tell us all the time that God loves us just as we are, so why mess with that? Becoming compassionate, non-judgmental, and generous-hearted now would be over-achievement. It would be like handing in your research project two or three weeks before it was due. Of course, in our case, we are not quite sure when it is due, or even when the semester ends…but don’t worry about that. Cramming for finals is a long-practiced Christian tradition, dating back at least to the Emperor Constantine, who was baptized on his deathbed. Now that guy had it down pat! Sure, you’re going to become harp-worthy one of these days. But why rush it?

If you follow these cautions very intentionally, you will succeed in keeping your money in your bank and investment accounts, where it belongs, and not in the hands of irresponsible church leaders who will only misspend it. This plan will guarantee that your church will remain lean and mean, like your business, the way you want it. It will stifle unnecessary and wasteful “ministries” that only coddle the irresponsible and idle poor, such as the homeless and the unemployed, at the expense of hard-working, home-owning, upright citizens. It will keep out the riff-raff, and hold down membership rolls to manageable levels. Also, the less money that comes in to the congregation, the less they pass on to the diocese, and that is always a positive side-effect.

I do not guarantee that you will always be able to pay the full salary of a seminary-trained, professional priest, a music director, a church secretary, or a sexton, and certainly you won’t be wasting money on a Christian educator or youth leader. But if you play your cards right, you can probably get as clergy someone just as good-- well-read, and experienced in practical clergying, for practically nothing, and you may be able to cut down on some of the clergy meddling and unrealistic expectations, if you can keep that role down to part-time. The other should be done by volunteers who haven’t much else to do, anyway.

It’s your money, and your mouth—put them both where you want them to serve you best. I’ve laid out the alternatives before you as frankly and plainly as I know how. Now ask yourself: what kind of church, and what kind of community, do I want to live in? What kind of God do I want to worship and serve, and what does God want for me? Surely, the very best! Am I really willing to drive the Camry or Avalon next time instead of the Lexus? Can I wear my outfits a few more times, or switch to some less fashionable brands without dying from embarrassment? Can I drink the Americano sometimes, rather than the Caramel Mocha Latte, and not barf? Could one of our long-weekend getaways be to one of the state resorts instead of Kiawah? If the answer to these and other questions like them is a resounding ‘NO,’ then I’ve just equipped you with resolve to hold your ground and keep up your standards for personal self-care.

But the choice is yours. You decide. Only you can.

A Volley from the Canon, Number 109, Negative Feedback

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 109

HOW TO OFFER NEGATIVE FEEDBACK, WITHOUT SETTING OFF A WORLD WAR

No guarantees on the World War, frankly. People vary in their sensitivity, and some people are poised to blow sky-high at the slightest whiff of criticism. But there are times when someone says or does something that is hurtful to us, and it is going to harm our relationship if we let that fester. Worse, If they don’t know of their fault (and we may not be talking about the most intuitive sort of person here), how could they reform their behavior? Why would they avoid doing it again?

Now, for starters, we are considering here someone with whom we do have a need to continue to have a relationship, preferably a good one. It may be a family member or friend. If it is someone we’ll never see again, then we might not choose to bother, unless we have the altruistic purpose of wanting to help spare some other person a similar hurt. However, another factor to consider might be whether the other person has any hopes of continuing to have a decent relationship with US! If not, then we’ll at least find that out in this little experiment.

PINCH OR CRUNCH

One slight may not seem all that bad, on the face of it. In fact, we might feel awkward bringing it up, as if we are being too picky. If we don’t, though, and the word or deed is repeated or accelerated, that could lead to a real altercation later, with lasting negative consequences, perhaps drawing in the allied forces of both sides. It is better to deal with an affront when it is smaller and singular, and before it has had a chance to grow in significance within us over time and further damage the relationship. We can deal better with the PINCH (a small and isolated incident) before it becomes a CRUNCH (a serious matter, or a cluster of pinches).

When people share the terminology, it is relatively easy to say, at an appropriate time, “Hildegarde, may I speak with you about a pinch I have with you?” Even if Hiildegarde has not read this Volley, she’ll probably get the message easily enough. Hildegarde now knows two things: 1) You are displeased with something that she has done, and 2) it isn’t a huge deal. She may have an idea what it might be, but in any case, she will not be able to resist knowing for sure, and her castle drawbridge has no reason to be raised. She will HAVE to hear you out.

(Caution: if what you have is really a crunch, not a pinch, don’t down-play it.)

Now come the two all-important formulaic elements of the process:

1) State clearly and specifically what happened, and when. By all means, avoid generalities, especially “you always…” or “you never….” Those are incendiary devices not to be deployed here. For example, “Last Sunday, when you thanked all the people who helped with the church dinner, you didn’t even mention me or my famous ham loaf.” We are talking about one incident, not recorded history.

2) Then state precisely what emotion, not what thought, the experience evoked in you. Not, for example, “I felt you must not like me.” That’s a thought disguised in a feeling phrase. “I felt hurt at being overlooked,” would be much more accurate. If you need help, Google “feeling words.”

At this point, be quiet and listen. Hildegard will need to respond. Since you have not charged her with chronic or malicious behavior, the chances of her being able to rise above defensiveness or reactive anger herself are greatly improved. The opportunity exists for the air to be cleared between you, for some sincere and humble communication to take place, and for reconciliation to occur. At the very least, the two of you now have a greater understanding of one another and, it is to be hoped, a greater respect. I’m sure, at the very least, YOU respect yourself more!

Contrast this process with what we usually do—complain about Hildegard’s rude and inconsiderate behavior to all of our friends behind her back—and it’s easy to see how this more direct, yet measured approach holds the possibility of better results. More than that, though, it offers another benefit that may be even more important: it builds integrity, both ours and the other person’s.

A Volley from the Canon, Number 107 Job Number One

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 107

Unsolicited Advice (and Worth Every Penny of Your Subscription to This Remarkable Service)

“Job Number One”

We clergy spend a lot of time in study, training, and preparation for the job of clergying, whatever that may entail. Three years in seminary is just a warm-up to the many and varied tasks we get involved in. Yet nobody ever clued me in on (after “knowing Jesus”) the most important element—I had to figure it out all by myself (well, partly, perhaps by observing some expert practitioners). I think it is time someone just said it out loud.

Yes, it is important that we know how to preach and teach, to inspire and to motivate. It matters that we can run an efficient and productive meeting, negotiate with terrorists, comfort the afflicted, and tactfully afflict the comfortable. We have to plan, recruit, delegate, monitor, implement, analyze, evaluate, revise, and through it all be prayerful, collegial, and non-anxious. It helps to know something about the Bible, Christian theology and ethics, liturgy, and counseling. We can either be perfect in all of those things, and more, OR—we can practice just one special gift or charism instead, the most important talent of all.

We can love our people. Just love them, sincerely and honestly. That is the most important pastoral skill anyone can ever have, to give the gift of simple enjoyment of the company of other people. Quite frankly, it makes up for many shortcomings in some of those other departments. (It “cover many sins.”) And quite frankly, if we don’t have it, all those other skills are useless to us. If you ask me (and I know you haven’t), there is only one reason to accept the call of a congregation to come live among them and be their rector (or deacon, missioner, or bishop): we fell in love.

We can have law, or we can have grace. Which do we choose?




Donald K. Vinson (The Rev. Canon)
Canon for Congregational Vitality
Diocese of West Virginia
P. O. Box 5400
Charleston, WV 25361
304 541-9963

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Volley from the Canon, Number 108 A Sample Vestry Covenant

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 107

A SAMPLE VESTRY COVENANT

What follows is an example: each Vestry is encouraged to discuss it and edit it according to their particular circumstances and commitments.

Service on the Vestry of St. Winifred’s Church is an honor, a ministry, and a sign of the congregation’s trust and respect. As members of St. Winifred’s Vestry, we solemnly covenant with one another to exercise this ministry with diligence, mutual respect, and reverence for the mission of God’s Holy Church.

1. Attendance:
• I pledge to attend a minimum of ___% of vestry meetings.
• I pledge to be present from beginning to end, with more than thirty minutes’ absence constituting a missed meeting.
• I pledge to inform the rector/missioner/senior warden (whoever is presiding) as early as possible prior to any meeting that I must miss due to a major impediment such as illness, a work conflict, or a family emergency.
• I understand and support the Vestry’s need to replace me, in accordance with Parish/ Mission By-laws, if I fail to honor these pledges.

2. Leadership:
As a leader of St. Winifred’s I pledge to participate actively in the life of the congregation and in the work of this Vestry.
• I will be faithful and regular in attendance at worship and at parish functions.
• I will take up a fair and equitable portion of the leadership and work of the congregation’s committees, commissions, and task forces.
• I will make and honor a financial pledge to the support of St. Winifred’s. I acknowledge the Tithe as the minimum standard for Christian giving to God’s work, and I pledge to apply myself sincerely toward reaching or exceeding that standard.
• I will be dependable and attentive to the progress of the congregation in all activities.

3. Conduct at Meetings:
• I will speak my mind with both clarity and charity. I understand that I have an obligation as a church leader to express, in our meetings, my honest and sincere convictions on matters that come before the Vestry, and to do so with Christian love for those who hold another view.
• I will maintain civility and decorum in my speech at all times. Specifically, I will wait our turn to speak; I will be brief and to the point; I will address other members in a respectful and courteous manner; I will take care not to speak disparagingly to or of anyone because of their gender, age, perceived ability or intellect, beliefs, sexual orientation., or any characteristic that is part of the nature of the person.

4. Conduct outside of Meetings:
As a leader of St. Winifred’s, I will always strive to be supportive of our church, its Vestry, and its leadership. While maintaining the integrity of my own convictions, I will refrain from sweeping negative criticism of The Episcopal Church and its leaders, our Bishop and Diocese, our congregation, its clergy and lay leaders.

5. Accountability:
All Vestry members are accountable to one another for the keeping of this covenant agreement.
• We agree to examine, periodically, our common life and our adherence to these standards, and we pledge to amend our lives as needed to live into them.
• We agree to call one another to fuller observance of this covenant by gentle, loving, and supportive reminders when we stray from its standards of behavior.

A Volley from the Canon, Number 106 Vestry Don'ts

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 106: VESTRY DON’TS

JULY 19, 2011

First of all, DON’T neglect last week’s DO’S list: it is much nicer to focus on positives rather than negatives.

But there are a few things NOT to do with regard to Vestry leadership that ought to be articulated. Some may not be easy to pull off in a very small congregations, in which choices can be very limited (in those instances, having the smallest permissible Vestry (as few as three!) can be a good start.)

1) DON’T nominate someone to the vestry just to placate them and make them “feel included.”
Vestry service calls for the most mature, responsible, committed team players the congregation can produce. Even one obstructive, obstreperous individual can seriously hamper the congregation’s ability to move forward, and the experience is frustrating for all, including the conflicted person.

2) THINK TWICE about steering a new church member to Vestry membership, even when she is very excited about her new church community. If the Vestry is in conflict or any form of dysfunction, a bad early experience could permanently hinder, perhaps even kill, that person’s spiritual growth in the congregation. With excellent tutelage and personal support, on a healthy, committed Vestry, on the other hand, it could be a good formative process.

3) When some in the congregation have conflicts with the clergy in charge, DON’T elect as Senior Warden someone whom the rector does not trust, as a sort of “loyal opposition.” It doesn’t work that way—you’ll get opposition, but not loyalty! The senior warden and the rector must work together closely as a team. Otherwise, all energy is directed toward internal conflict, and none is left for the mission of the church.

4) DON’T re-elect the same people as wardens or trustees indefinitely. While some continuity may be desirable, far better to have many in the congregation fully in touch with all the congregation’s financial affairs. Remember: a complete and transparent report on all property and funds managed by Trustees is required at every annual parish meeting. All church funds are controlled by the Vestry. Make sure terms of service as well as the manner of election (parish meeting or Vestry appointment), are clear and expressed in congregation by-laws, and practice regular rotation in leadership in these roles, as elsewhere.

5) DON’T let the tyranny of a long-term, domineering member kill the congregation by running off every potential new member, and by stymieing all new ideas and leadership. “If we confront him, he may leave!” people say. So what! Better the one that is causing all the trouble than a dozen or more others who need the church and who will be its hope for the future. Stand united as a Vestry for healthy and responsible church manners and for generous inclusion of new members, and make no peace with oppression—inside the Church as well as outside!

A Volley from the Canon, Number 105 Vestry Do's

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 105: EFFECTIVE VESTRIES, ‘DO’S’ AND ‘DON’TS’

JULY 11, 2011-- FIRST, TEN DO’S

1. Worship is not an option for a Vestry. It expresses who we are. Every Vestry meeting should begin and end with worship, and not just with a hasty collect. The bookends of prayer enfold and permeate the meeting itself. The Vestry will approach its work differently when it is prayerful. The Vestry meeting will be shorter when there is worship as part of it, not longer: worship eliminates some of the extraneous claptrap of a secular meeting.

a. I suggest appointing someone, not the rector, as “chaplain” to the Vestry. This person has specific responsibility for planning and leading the Vestry’s devotions, and may have license to call for a brief silence or prayer before a weighty decision is to be made. The Chaplain might or might not be a Vestry member, but should be someone who has the Vestry’s trust and respect.

b. As wonderful as Compline is, don’t fall back on it all the time. Vary the worship, and use props such as candles, non-objectionable scents, photographs, rocks, branches, flowers, music, art—anything to involve the senses beyond books and spoken words.

c. Include the opportunity for members to pray about their own needs and concerns, and those of the congregation. Make the Vestry truly a spiritual body, and it will behave like one!

2. Make sure the congregation has a concise, memorable, specific, and meaningful statement of its mission and vision, and that all vestry members, and the congregation in general, know them cold. Keep these up-to-date, and USE THEM to guide the Vestry’s planning.

3. Have a small “Executive Committee” to plan the Vestry meeting agenda. The Rector and Vestry officers would be usual members for such a committee. Send the meeting agenda out to all members at least a couple of days prior to the meeting, and always include an “other business” item so that last-minute or additional matters can be brought up if needed, and to ensure that others do not perceive their matters to be excluded.

4. Move the official Treasurer’s Report to the end of the meeting. That keeps nickel-and-diming everyone to death at a minimum. The Treasurer can still be consulted, during discussion of other agenda items, about where the money could come from to fund a particular proposal.

5. Have a budget, assign areas to particular ministry groups or leaders, and let them manage their responsibilities. It is not necessary for the Vestry to approve items that are within the budget and the scope of activity of a particular officer or committee, though they should keep the Vestry fully informed of their actions through their own regular reports. A Vestry might assign a cut-off amount above which specific approval of an expenditure would be required, and it certainly should require approval (and budget amendment) before any spending beyond the budget allocated.
6. Set a time limit for Vestry meetings. Ninety minutes should be sufficient. Require a two-thirds majority vote to extend the meeting beyond the allocated time (but don’t let worship get pushed off the end!) This discipline is only fair to members, who have other responsibilities, and it cuts down on unnecessary chatter. The pressure is on the presider, however, to gavel in pontificators and “compulsive communicators,” gently, but authoritatively.

7. Establish, and review annually, a Vestry Covenant of behavior that is acceptable in meetings. (A sample will be posted soon as a separate Canon Volley.) Don’t forget to include standards for attendance, and some tool for accountability. If a seat is to be declared vacant after a certain number of absences, that policy should be in the Parish By-laws.

8. Learn and practice effective communication to reduce conflicts, particularly how to state and how to receive negative feedback. (A separate Canon Volley on this is coming, too!)

9. Hold a Vestry Retreat annually, for all Vestry members. The content should be for personal and group growth, or for visioning, not for the conduct of regular Vestry business. A weekend away from home and church is great, but if that is not possible, an over-night or even a day-long get-together with a leader from beyond the congregation itself is better than nothing! Contact Congregational Vitality or Ministry Development Offices for ideas and leadership.

10. Conduct a Mutual Ministry Review approximately one year into a new pastorate, about two years after that, and at least every third year after that. Again, the Canon and the Archdeacon are very happy to assist.

A Volley from the Canon, Number 104 Precedent and Tradition

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 104: PRECEDENT AND TRADITION

JULY 5, 2011

In conversation with a senior warden, I suggested a couple of activities as possibilities to get the congregation “unstuck” and refreshed—to increase involvement, spirit de corps, and enthusiasm for the parish life.

“We could do that first thing, I guess,” was his response. “We have done that in the past, so there is some precedent for it, though we haven’t done it recently. The other, though, I don’t think so. There is no precedent for that sort of activity in this congregation.”

In the practice of law, precedent is of great import. But in the church?

The exchange helped me to clarify something in my own thinking: we Episcopalians are a people steeped in tradition, and in that, we are quite conservative. We have a body of canon law to consider, and a whole set of diocesan policies, rubrics and their supporting historic practices as well. There is a difference, however, between TRADITION and PRECEDENT. Tradition says that we are accustomed to doing certain things in certain ways. Other things, though, not covered in canon, policy, or rubric, are subject to modification. We don’t have to defend them to a judge! Precedent, on the other hand, is even more restrictive. The idea is that, if there is no precedent for it, we can’t do it—not without great turmoil, hierarchical approvals, and careful defenses, anyway.

If we are to be fresh, creative, and energized; if we are to grow, adapt to changing realities, and embrace diverse membership, we must find ways to incorporate imaginative change into our corporate life. If we are to remain stable, enduring, rooted, and secure, we must also honor and respect our corporate traditions at the same time. Both are important to a congregation’s life. Maintaining the delicate balance between the two is something of an art form, but there is science to it, too. The science comes from understanding the difference between the particular practices of the church and the theological, scriptural, and liturgical principles that underlie them. The practices themselves may be subject to creative reinterpretation and adaptation. The principles beneath them are not subject to our individual whims. There is always room for variety and for fresh elements to keep up our interest and help us attend to the event. That doesn’t excuse either sloppiness or capriciousness. We need creativity, and we need careful consideration, too, each thoughtfully applied. We honor tradition: precedent—not so much!

A Volley from the Canon, Number 103 Chronic Anxiety part 2

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 103

LEADING IN THE CHURCH DURING TIMES OF CHRONIC ANXIETY

PART 2: THE PARADOX OF SERIOUSNESS

Summarized from a presentation made by The Rev. Doug Hester,
The Episcopal Network for Stewardship Conference, Camp Allen, Texas, June 2, 2011

Rowan Atkinson “Healthy people say, ‘Yes,’ ‘No,’ and ‘Whoopee.’ Unhealthy people say,’ Yes, but…’, ‘no, but…’, and ‘No whoopee.’”

Victor Borge, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

The most chronically anxious people are very serious, about everything. Seriousness is a way of thinking imbedded in a chronically anxious society. There are no small matters, at least not the ones causing concern. Consequently, the seriousness can become more of a problem than the issue itself. Lightening up the environment can, of itself, greatly defuse the conflict.

Good leaders have five predictable characteristics: They are happy, funny, loving, cooperative, and creative. (It is pretty easy and unpleasant to imagine the destructiveness of the opposite set of characteristics!) Being happy and funny is not necessarily about telling jokes. Some people use supposed jokes to attack or ridicule others, and then hide behind the ruse that their nastiness was meant in jest. Humor is an attitude rather than a content, and it pervades all areas of activity. It includes playfulness, an attribute that is absent from the chronically anxious.

Humor adds resiliency to a group. It increases their repertoire of possible responses. Perhaps the one who benefits most is the group leader, for whom humor, even her own, reduces her own anxiety levels. After all, being a “non-anxious presence” is a pipe dream for nearly all of us, but Hester is not one to be concerned about that. He is quite satisfied with the leader being proportionally “less anxious” than others in the room. In contrast, the leader then comes across as cool and collected.

A note about “triangling” behaviors: Hester does not recommend removing oneself completely from triangles. That results only in the acting-out persons going to triangle someone else more conducive to their efforts. He suggests trying to remain “connected at the corners” with all parties to the group triangles, while maintaining personal integrity. Thus communications are kept intact, and the possibility of improving relations remains.

Humor’s value for the larger system
• Improves morale
• Puts in resiliency/flexibility
• Loosens the stuckness of the situation
• Puts in the right amount of emotional space
• Broadens the repertoire of choices
• Lowers volatility—disperses the fumes of anxiety
• De-triangles
• Stimulates the immune system
• Promotes personal integration
• Helps in dealing with viruses
• Fosters creativity
• Improves communication

Got a Worship Committee meeting coming up that could turn hostile? Try opening with a showing of “Mr. Bean Goes to Church.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bm9mhX1q4o

If we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit: the human predicament, and “stupid human tricks”, can be pretty darn funny. We do well to cultivate our sense of humor—and we’d best hope God has a good one, too!

A NOTE: Lest there be misunderstanding, when I refer to leadership in this summary, I mean to include both clergy and lay leadership in a congregation.

A Volley from the Canon, Number 102 Chronic Anxiety

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 102

LEADING IN THE CHURCH DURING TIMES OF CHRONIC ANXIETY

Summarized from a presentation made by The Rev. Doug Hester,
The Episcopal Network for Stewardship Conference, Camp Allen, Texas, June 2, 2011

Rapid change causes anxiety, at various levels, according to the type and severity of the change. Very rapid changes, in many areas of life, affecting people in ways they consider to be important, and over prolonged periods, cause a condition of Chronic Anxiety, which affects different people in different ways. Anxiety pervades the entire family system like a combustible gas, but it manifests itself most acutely in the most vulnerable, the most dependent, and the most responsible persons in the group. Only a small spark is required to set off an explosion of emotional reaction. In the church, we live in the “splash zone” of life (like the first rows at Sea World). We are going to get wet! Anxiety in the home spills over inevitably (and unconsciously) into church life.

Over twenty years ago, Edwin Friedman, founder of Family Systems Theory, said (still true), “We live in a seat-belt society that is more focused on safety than adventure. A pain-relief society.” Evidence: drug culture, prescription drug abuse, constant TV ads on pain/symptom relief, gated communities, home security systems, phobia of strangers, general fear and distrust—all are symptoms of the chronic anxiety of our society.

Other evidences:
• Quickness to blame, with loss of integrity/ accountability. Someone else is always at fault. Much of this is scape-goating, fixing blame on a convenient target. In the church, this target is often a clergy leader.
• Active triangles. Instability of two-person relationships due to lack of self-individuation (i. e., one does not talk to the person with whom one has an issue, but talks to others about them).
• Automatic reactivity. One has to respond, to do something. (Often, the best response is to do nothing.)
• Loss of playfulness. Everything is serious. As a result, leaders become less resilient. Under constant pressure, they break down and give up. The best-qualified leaders decline to serve.
• Over-focus on togetherness, with a herd mentality. Leaders become indecisive, just want to keep the peace. There is the illusion that we all have to stay together. Fear of losing anyone, even the destructive ones, leads to “peace-mongering.”
• Adaptation to immaturity. We let the least mature people set the agenda, fearful of losing them (or their financial support).
• Desire for quick and easy answers. Fundamentalism in religion, reductionism in science.
• A focus on playing it safe rather than adventure or creativity.
One way we respond unhelpfully is to focus on placating the acting-out individual, the one most dramatizing the anxiety in the system. Therefore, we put our greatest resources in the ones who are least likely to benefit. We have an “unreasonable faith in reasonableness.” We try to use logic and information to convince the disruptive person to calm down. But you can’t reason (left brain) with emotion (right brain), and even less with “reptilian brain,” the lower, instinct function!
Chronic anxiety causes regression to “reptilian brain” function. It manifests itself in “toxic behaviors,” such as: 1) lack of self-regulation, 2) being “perpetually invasive” in the group, and 3) invulnerability to insight. Leaders must impose appropriate behavior limitations, since the acting out person is unable to do so.

Some Family System principles that may be of help in dealing with Chronic Anxiety in Congregations:

1) The system will always return to its original shape unless the emotional relationships change among the various relations and triangles involved. (You can remove a malignant tumor, but you don’t thereby remove the malignant process.) Focus on one-to-one relationship building helps reduce the triangling, among those who are willing to try.
2) Togetherness in humans happens naturally. If it is not happening, there is a problem! But trying to force it by making the togetherness itself the goal is counter-productive. This false togetherness is coercive and fake, and it doesn’t work, anyway. We have to give people the freedom to leave us if we want more, especially the healthier ones, to choose to stay with us.
3) A system, even the church, cannot tolerate continuous destructive behaviors. We have to set clear limits, and we have to enforce those limits. Otherwise, all abandon the ship, healthiest first!
4) Anxiety is “serious.” Anxious people are serious. One way to reduce anxiety in a system is to be, as a leader, less serious.
5) Sometimes, the best reaction to a situation is to do nothing!
6) Creativity is more important than knowledge. (Listen up, you who want to cut arts programs from schools!)
7) Lead by the nature of your presence—by who you “be” rather than by what you know.
8) People can hear you only when they are moving toward you, emotionally. If pursued, they distance themselves.

Hester pointed out that, in a chronically anxious congregation, a predictable response is that the vestry becomes very concerned about how the clergy spend their time, and they want to receive reports documenting the clergy schedule. They also have concerns about retaining members and reclaiming lost ones: the task of visiting the “lost sheep,”—often those run off by the dysfunction of the system-- is generally assigned to clergy as well, along with blame for the loss of any sheep. Though every group naturally sheds some members, if you first fix the system, the hemorrhage stops.
His suggestions for leader responses include: 1) Avoid “peace-mongering.” Differences of opinion are natural and healthy. Don’t try to agree with everybody, but value everybody’s input. 2) Try to “imagine the unimaginable.” Unleash creativity. 3) Develop a mission statement for your professional life, and one for your personal life—each four words or less! Use these to help remain centered. 4) LIGHTEN THINGS UP! Anxious people are very serious. A lighter tone reduces anxiety (first, in the leader, making better leadership more possible!)

Next: Part II, The Paradox of Seriousness