Monday, July 25, 2011

From The Dayspring, Fall 2011: "Don't Give"

Don’t Give!

Of course, I don’t’ really mean ‘don’t give.’ I mean, ‘Don’t give--MUCH!’ It’s your money. You earned it, out of your own skill, your own time, your own strength, and your own effort. No one helped you. No one gave you anything . You are a self-made person, and you did it all by yourself. When did any door open for you that you did not bust open for yourself? Don’t ever let anyone chip away at that assurance, and get you to thinking that you actually got a leg up somehow, by the family or even country you were born into, or the help and attention, or opportunities, your family, teachers, or others gave you, or any God-given gifts, skills, or even personality traits you may have been blessed with. You’re you! You earned it! Take the credit!

You will give something, because you are a member of the church. Just in case. If there is a hell, well, the company there might be more fun, but if the church folks are right about it, the climate is not so great, and the work conditions are not exactly white-collar—so, on the whole, if there is a heaven, you might as well go, if you can’t live forever. You are aware that you’ve never seen a hearse towing a U-haul trailer. At least they won’t be shaking you down for money in heaven—not that there would be anything fun to spend it on!

But DON’T hand in a pledge card. Who knows what catastrophe may strike during the coming year, or what neat new thing you might want to spend your money on? There’s probably a wall-sized LED TV in production somewhere, and you know you gotta have it. Also, you’d have to give, then, every week or month, not just when you actually attend church.

No, you want to contribute only when you are present to place your gift in the offering, and others can see you do it. Here’s what I recommend: look in your purse or wallet, and see what is the smallest denomination bill you have in there. If it is a dollar, you could give two and look extra generous. But be sure to fold them several times so that the numbers don’t show. A five is about right for a single-bill donation. Never, under any circumstances, go to church with only a bill larger than twenty alone in your wallet. Even the twenty is for desperate circumstances. You know you are not going to put that fifty in, so then you’d be unable to place anything into the offering plate at all, if it’s all you have, and someone would be bound to see that. The change in your pocket is fine, though, as long as there is an envelope in the pew you can place it in, to cut down on that comical and embarrassing clatter in the plate--although they must be expecting change, because they have that velvet pad in the bottom of the basin. (And in the above instance, when you just don’t have any cash appropriate for a church offering, just hand in the empty offering envelope—without your name on it, of course.)

If you can swing it (like if you listened to announcements or read the newsletter at the right time to know when the Pledge Sunday would be), stay home that day. Otherwise, you might panic or succumb to guilt and pressure, and hand in a card. That would result in lasting grief for you.

In fact, don’t go to any stewardship programs or meetings. They are just not worth the free food. (See how clever these people are, how manipulative? They know all our weaknesses and they exploit them shamelessly.) You know they’re going to talk about money—your money. It will be cheaper for you, seriously, to buy your own lunch.

If you do accidentally get exposed to some teaching on Stewardship, don’t let them get you to begin to think of Stewardship in terms of other areas of life beyond just money. It’s a process of contagion and indoctrination, just a technique for tricking you into thinking that money is just another aspect of life, and that God is somehow involved in that.

Or, alternatively (and this will work almost as well), if they are talking about all that other life stuff, don’t let anyone bring money into the circle—if you can keep the focus on health, time, gifts, environment, not money, you can save thousands.

In the area of health—you’re doing the best you can. It’s mostly genetic anyway. You take your prescriptions. You watch your weight, so you can fit into your skinny jeans. (And you know fat people don’t get promoted.) So you’re taking care of yourself.

Time—what time? You don’t have any to spare. You hardly have time for a round of golf or a day of shopping, and you certainly don’t have time for any kind of activity that might be called “ministry.”

Talents, gifts—that’s an easy one, you don’t have any. Oh, sure, you have education, you have knowledge, you have skills. But those are yours, not God’s. Don’t let that camel stick its nose under your tent flap!

Concerning the environment—you don’t litter. What more can anyone expect? It isn’t as if you have any control over anything. How could anyone reasonably expect you to involve yourself in any ecological advocacy that could possibly reduce the value of your stock portfolio, even temporarily! Sure, it’s ironic, if you think about it, that one can take total credit for every aspect of one’s own success—none for God--and yet take no responsibility at all for the impact on the earth, of the economy that produced that success—lay it all on God—but don’t think about that. That sort of thinking is for wishy-washy, mamby-pamby, milque-toast people. You know that human activity cannot affect God’s creation: that is a theological principle, a matter of religious faith! And you are a religious person. Be strong!

So don’t put up with any talk about stewardship at any time of year other than the annual pledge drive, when it is a hard-to-avoid annoyance. You know it’s all about pledging, anyway, and if they spread it out, you may have difficulty avoiding the subject, or preventing “topic creep,” the expansion of the subject of stewardship beyond money and into other unrelated areas of life, which can be awkward.

Now this is very important: Don’t look at your own giving history. It’s depressing, if you are susceptible to that sort of navel-gazing. The only reason you would need to know your total giving would be to deduct it from your income taxes, but if you follow the rest of my suggestions carefully, you won’t give enough to make any significant difference anyway, so that is not really important to you.

Above all, don’t figure the amount of your giving as a percentage of your income. That is one of their sneaky traps to make us feel guilty. Guilt is bad for you! It is stressful and unhealthy. The shock, if you are in a vulnerable moment, could put you in the hospital. It could be dangerous to your health, and hospitalization would certainly be dangerous to your pocket-book.

When you let someone, or even yourself, lay guilt on you, you get to a point where the only cure would be, a) to stop doing what is making you feel guilty, and b) ask God or the person you wronged to forgive you. Since you have no intention to stop looking out for number one, and you’re much too proud and self-sufficient to seek forgiveness, by all means avoid feeling guilt at all times, even if it keeps you away from church and Sunday School for months at a time.

Thinking about giving in terms of percentage is fraught with other, more practical dangers. Keep it at the fund-raising level. Demand to know exactly what is the minimum amount the church needs to keep the lights on and the doors open—no raises, no extra staff, no frills! Fix the furnace when it breaks. Patch the roof when it leaks, not before. People who work for the church want to live simply and make sacrifices, so it is only charitable on your part to help them do it.

Remember—if everyone did give proportionally, particularly if everyone tithed, your congregation would have a brand new and unheard of problem: what to do with a large sum of excess money. You know they would only give it away! Most likely to poor people who might not even deserve the help. After all, didn’t Jesus always check whether people deserved to be healed or fed before he helped them? -- Well, even if he didn’t, that’s Jesus, not you. What does his response have to do with yours? You’re only human—he’s…whatever. And don’t ask him about that! That could just start up a conversation you don’t want to get into. Best not to bring it up.

Or, with all that money, they would spend some of it on useless items like formation programs, children’s and youth activities, care and activities for the elderly, that sort of thing—projects that either aren’t needed or that ought to pay their own way. When (and if) you ever have a few extra bucks to waste, like from a huge inheritance, or when your accountant recommends it to reduce your taxes, make sure you buy some piece of obscure liturgical paraphernalia that won’t get used much, so it will last a long time. Centuries, even. And be sure you get your name engraved on it. Don’t waste such an opportunity for earthly immortality.

Now, this is even above “above all:” Don’t pray about your own stewardship. Better yet, to be safe, don’t pray at all, unless you need to ask for something. What if God answers that prayer with questions of his own-- and challenges? If you don’t want to hear the answer to a question, don’t ask the question. Even with God. Especially with God.

Don’t ever forget that the practice of giving generously would change you! In ways you can hardly now imagine! Do you really want that? They tell us all the time that God loves us just as we are, so why mess with that? Becoming compassionate, non-judgmental, and generous-hearted now would be over-achievement. It would be like handing in your research project two or three weeks before it was due. Of course, in our case, we are not quite sure when it is due, or even when the semester ends…but don’t worry about that. Cramming for finals is a long-practiced Christian tradition, dating back at least to the Emperor Constantine, who was baptized on his deathbed. Now that guy had it down pat! Sure, you’re going to become harp-worthy one of these days. But why rush it?

If you follow these cautions very intentionally, you will succeed in keeping your money in your bank and investment accounts, where it belongs, and not in the hands of irresponsible church leaders who will only misspend it. This plan will guarantee that your church will remain lean and mean, like your business, the way you want it. It will stifle unnecessary and wasteful “ministries” that only coddle the irresponsible and idle poor, such as the homeless and the unemployed, at the expense of hard-working, home-owning, upright citizens. It will keep out the riff-raff, and hold down membership rolls to manageable levels. Also, the less money that comes in to the congregation, the less they pass on to the diocese, and that is always a positive side-effect.

I do not guarantee that you will always be able to pay the full salary of a seminary-trained, professional priest, a music director, a church secretary, or a sexton, and certainly you won’t be wasting money on a Christian educator or youth leader. But if you play your cards right, you can probably get as clergy someone just as good-- well-read, and experienced in practical clergying, for practically nothing, and you may be able to cut down on some of the clergy meddling and unrealistic expectations, if you can keep that role down to part-time. The other should be done by volunteers who haven’t much else to do, anyway.

It’s your money, and your mouth—put them both where you want them to serve you best. I’ve laid out the alternatives before you as frankly and plainly as I know how. Now ask yourself: what kind of church, and what kind of community, do I want to live in? What kind of God do I want to worship and serve, and what does God want for me? Surely, the very best! Am I really willing to drive the Camry or Avalon next time instead of the Lexus? Can I wear my outfits a few more times, or switch to some less fashionable brands without dying from embarrassment? Can I drink the Americano sometimes, rather than the Caramel Mocha Latte, and not barf? Could one of our long-weekend getaways be to one of the state resorts instead of Kiawah? If the answer to these and other questions like them is a resounding ‘NO,’ then I’ve just equipped you with resolve to hold your ground and keep up your standards for personal self-care.

But the choice is yours. You decide. Only you can.

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