A Volley from the Canon, #77 The Conflict Paradox

A VOLLEY FROM THE CANON, NUMBER 77

THE CONFLICT PARADOX

People in the church have a phobia about conflict. Jesus prayed, and taught us to pray, that we might be of one mind and one spirit. (He must have had some strong hints of how much conflict we would experience, and how much we would suffer for it over the centuries.) Nevertheless, we’ve never been without conflict and, until he comes again, I suspect we never will be.

But we think we aren’t supposed to. “Aren’t Christians supposed to love one another?” people ask. “Aren’t we supposed to work together, and live in harmony?” Sure. And the harmony will begin with everyone coming into agreement and conformity with ME, right?

We have peculiar and unrealistic ideas about conflict.
Some congregations believe they have no conflict. I know of a few who really don’t—because they have already run off everybody who would dare present any idea contrary to that of the ruling junta. The rest have plenty, but they aren’t admitting it or even acknowledging it, because after all, conflict is bad.

Most people believe that if they acknowledge that there is a conflict and attempt to address it, that will cause people to leave the congregation. Therefore, they put up with a state of chronic tension in hopes of avoiding an outright explosion. Meanwhile, the level of anger grows, until finally, when it blows, it really will be an unpleasant sight to see.

The reality is that constant tension is much more draining than actually facing up to differences of opinion while they are still relatively small. Who wants to worship in a community that is eating itself up over conflict, and fear of dealing with it? No one is comfortable walking on eggshells all the time. So the healthier people will leave and go to church elsewhere. This is why congregations lose so many members: NOT dealing with conflict is what causes member losses!
It is ironic, but true: those congregations that realize when they have internal conflicts and deal with them in a deliberate and constructive manner are the ones that set themselves up for growth, health, and unity of spirit. They also are the ones that have the opportunity to learn from a wealth of points of view, with myriad creative ideas and insights cropping up all the time. Additionally, those congregations that have conflict but deal with it come out stronger than before, not weaker.

(A unit on conflict and dealing with it would be an excellent suggestion for many of our vestries and congregations.)