SUNDAY CLOTHES
She had loved everything about the Sunday Eucharist, she reported--the music, the sermon, the prayers. Yes, people had been very welcoming and friendly. She experienced nothing of the guilt and rejection that had been laid on her in her former congregation. But feeling better about oneself is not accomplished in a single hour. The young single mother and her baby would not be coming back. “I just don’t have the clothes,” she admitted apologetically.
I had met her when I delivered some baby items to her housing-project apartment. We talked for a while, and I invited her to attend worship at our church. I was thrilled to see that she actually followed through, so much was she in need of a less harshly judgmental expression of Christianity. We did fine in word and deed. Then we blew our whole witness by wearing fancy clothes to church. We expressed our judgment on a different level.
This was when I discovered a gender gap in our congregation that I had previously been blind to. The younger men, particularly, had taken happily to my suggestion that some of us needed to be more casually dressed in worship in order not to intimidate the unwary newcomer. And when casually dressed, they looked—casual. But the women seemed unwilling or incapable of making that sacrifice. Even their jeans were imposing to the fashion-challenged.
And why not? I now wonder. They were just being themselves. They shouldn’t have to take turns looking sloppy, just to express their evangelistic zeal. Still, I wonder what became of that young woman, and others like her, torn between fire and brimstone on the one hand and an unreachable level of fashion achievement on the other.
Dr. Sherri Smith, of that congregation, later began an organization called “Dress for Success” to help women present themselves favorably for job interviews and new professional work environments. What a helpful idea! I wish I had known of it then. With a little tact and discretion (since she brought up the subject), perhaps I could have directed that young mother to some friendly and helpful women who would have been pleased to assist her in dressing and feeling more comfortable and acceptable in the new environment. Fitting in, after all, can work from more than one direction.
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1 comment:
Hi Donald, you have hit a nerve with me that, IMHO, really tells the tale of many congregations, and the wider world.
One response regarding the folks/strangers who venture into our doors (or other realms of life)is to assess if they are most like us. It is a social pychological trigger and probably cannot be prevented. However, once we recognize what has just happened in our brain we can be intentional about controlling the response. We tend to drop the ball when we work to conform the newcomer into our own social standards rather than explore what the newcomer has to offer.
I can apprieciate the desire to help folks improve their public image. I keep begging Jim to sign me up for "What Not to Wear" AND "Extreme Makeover" (1/2 jokingly - 3/4 serious) but is that the answer? Maybe in a small part.
In your example, the young woman probably will not return to an Episcopal and likely any other church. She has determined that she does not fit in, and it isn't just about the clothes. The good intent of offering a means to aquire "nicer clothing" could backfire and reinforce the belief that one is already unacceptable.
How unfortunate that outward/social appearances limit the possibility for inner grace. (And that this message comes from a sacrementalist church). She didn't come to church to get new/used clothes, she came looking for something more.
That is the question for me. What does my/the church have to offer to welcome the stranger in my/your community? In each case it will depend on what we are willing to change about ourselves.
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