for Koinonia, Summer 2010

“A Very Friendly Church”

In my travels, I often ask congregations, “What are you known for in your community? What do visitors and newcomers most often say, positively, about your church?” The most common response I hear is, “They say we are a very friendly congregation. We’re like a family.” Episcopalians tend to be quite pleased with that compliment. It contrasts strikingly with the old image of us as cold and unwelcoming. It does not quite satisfy me, though, especially when it sounds like laurels to rest upon.

Of course, being friendly is a desirable goal. A congregation is not going to get anywhere at all without it. Our coolness of former days (and, let’s face it, persisting still in some locales), has cost us dearly in lost growth opportunities. Still, friendliness as end-goal is riddled with pitfalls.

• First, every congregation considers itself friendly, and most actually are. So how does OUR friendliness set us apart from the church down the road?
• I visit many congregations that are excessively friendly—to each other! While the new couple or single visitor stands ignored in the corner.
• “Friendliness” before worship or during the Peace equals irreverence and ruins any dignity or spiritual focus of the liturgy. If the Celebrant has to call the congregation down to begin or to continue—that’s TOO much socialization, or at least the wrong time for it.
• Being “like a family” makes my skin crawl a little. Are we really that dysfunctional?

Jesus did say we’d be known by our love. But there is a difference between love and socializing. Love welcomes within the circle. Socialization chatters.
I do love it that Episcopal congregations in our diocese are noted as being friendly and welcoming. May it ever be so, and more universally so. When it comes to the question of what we are known for in our community, and what people compliment a congregation on, I’d love to see us move beyond simple friendliness and on to something deeper than that. Some examples:

• “They’re the ones people turn to when they are in trouble or need help.”
• “That congregation is committed to a life of prayer.”
• “This is the most spiritual and inspiring worship I’ve encountered in a long time.”
• “I experience joy here.”
• “This is where the leading advocates for justice and compassion in our community worship.”
• “This is a church that receives people as they are, not as how they ought to be.”
• “This church teaches and practices a way of walking closer with God.”
• “I met Jesus in that congregation.”

The list goes on. None of those praises exclude friendliness; in fact, none would be possible without it. They illustrate, however, an important truth: friendliness in a church congregation is a beginning, not an ending.